Going To School

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.

"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mum? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Headmaster!"

Top Ten ways to get thrown out
of a chemistry lab

1. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.

2. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, "Does this taste funny to you?"

3. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as "KKK."

4. Mutter repeatedly, "Not again... not again... not again."

5. When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, "My eyes!"

6. Deny the existence of chemicals.

7. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it.

8. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker.

9. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid

10. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal buildings.

Before I had come to college I wish I had known...

That it didn't matter how late my first class was, I'd sleep right through it

That people at college throw airplanes, too

That every clock on campus shows a different time

That I would go to a party the night before an exam

That you can know everything and fail a test

That you can know nothing and ace a test

That home is a great place to visit

That I would be one of those people my parents warned me about

That Sunday is a figment of the world's imagination

That I really wouldn't be with that high school (boy/girl)friend for the rest of my life

That beer would play an intricate role in my future

How much I would miss having my washing done at home

Teacher

Teacher: Mike, stop showing off.
Do you think you are the teacher of this class?

Mike: No, Miss.

Teacher: Then stop acting the fool!