Paddy & Mick were walking along one day, when they came across a deserted car. They jumped in, and started checking if everything worked.

Paddy beeped the horn,
"Yes that works ok"
he says.

Then he flicks on his indicator and says
"Mick, stick you head outta the window and see if it's working"

...to which Mick replied
"it is...it isn't...it is...it isn't"

A Man Goes To A Costume Party

A man went to his boss's costume party with nothing on but a naked young woman on his back.

"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the boss asked.

"I'm a snail,"
the man replied.

"What a load of crap!"
his boss spat.
"How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked young woman on your back?"

"You've got it wrong,"
the man replied,
"That's Michelle."

Old Dr. Carver

Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain. The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle,
"Do you have a hammer?"

A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom. A moment later, he came out and asked,
"Do you have a chisel?"

Mr. Tuttle complied with the request. In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers, a screwdriver, and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle.
He asked, "What are you doing to my wife?"

"Not a thing," replied old Dr. Carver.
"I can't get my instrument bag open."

Strength Vs. Age

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said.

"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied.
"It's a bet! Let's see what you got."

Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

Elementary, My Dear Watson

One lovely evening, the detective Sherlock Holmes and his trusty friend Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After having dinner and drinking a few glasses of wine, they became tired and went to sleep.
A couple hours passed and Sherlock Holmes awoke, and shortly thereafter woke Dr. Watson as well.
He said,
"Watson, look up, and tell me what you see."

Dr. Watson replied,
"Well, sir, I see millions of stars in the sky."

Sherlock Holmes asked,
"And what does that tell you?"

Dr. Watson paused for a moment and said, "Well, astronomically it tells me that there are billions of stars and possibly millions of galaxies in the universe. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Horalogically I can deduce that it is approximately quarter past three in the morning. Theologically it symbolizes that God is magnificent and that we humans are small and insignificant in the universe. And meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."

To which Sherlock Holmes replied,
"No, stupid! Someone has stolen our tent!"

Nuns

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent which is being renovated, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?"
calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man,"
replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and decide that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room.

They open the door.
"Nice body!,"
says the man.
"Where do you want these blinds?"

The Restaurant

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.
He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry,"
the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater paying for everything. The next day, she invites him over for something to eat and cooks him a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible!

"You know,"
he said,
"you are the perfect woman.
Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No,"
she replies... ...
"You just happened to catch my eye."

SAS

3 SAS recruits reach the end of their training, and are confronted by their drill instructor, who says to them,
"Men, would you die for your country?"

And to this they all immediately reply,
"Sir, yes, sir!"

The instructor then asks,
"Men would you kill for your country?"

The squaddies give the same reply.

Next, the drill instructor asks the men, "Would you kill your wives for your country?"

Again, the same answer.

As a response to this, the drill instructor tells the men that their wives are waiting in separate rooms behind them, and that in turn they must go and shoot their wives, to prove their loyalty to the country.

The drill instructor hands a gun to the first recruit, who goes white and runs out of the room, passing the gun to recruit number 2.

This time the recruit stares at the gun for a few minutes, but he too goes white, passes the gun to the next recruit, and runs away.

However, the third recruit grabs the gun eagerly, and runs into the room containing his wife, where he remains for a few minutes. During this time, the drill instructor hears a loud bang from the gun, followed by a series of muffled thuds.

When the recruit finally emerges, the drill instructor asks him what just happened. In response the recruit answers,
"Well, I went into the room, and shot my wife as ordered. But it turned out that the gun only had blanks in it, so I had to beat her to death with the chair instead."